In the end, all the debating, contemplating, wondering, reflecting, and theorizing about God doesn’t really matter, does it?
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I spent the past few days in South Carolina for my cousin’s wedding and I have some observations about my experience with prayer during the ceremony.
I was raised to believe in God, but I didn’t have what I what consider to be faith. As a child, prayer meant bowing my head and closing my eyes while someone else talked. I wasn’t comfortable saying, “Amen.”
When I was about 16 years old or so, I chose Christianity. My prayers became heartfelt.
When Christianity no longer appealed to me, I went through a few different prayer styles. The first was something like respectful defiance. I would not lower my head during prayer, but remain silent while others offered prayer.
The second was respectful silence. On the outside, I appeared to be praying like everyone else. On the inside, my mind was quiet.
The third style was real prayer, but I refused to think of it as prayer. I bowed my head and silently offered my wishes or energy or whatever to the prayer, but not to God.
During the prayer on Saturday, I had a new experience. When I was asked to pray to God to bless my cousin Ryan and his new wife, I did. I offered my prayers to Ryan’s God because he asked me to.
And it felt right, but I’m not sure how to explain why. I guess I feel that even though Christianity is not my religion, I want to honor and respect Ryan’s choosing of the Christian God to be the catalyst between my prayer and Ryan’s marriage.
To say it another way, I’m going to offer my good wishes/energy/prayer to Ryan anyway. And because he chooses to receive his blessing from God, then it is God who should be the one to receive and use my prayer.
I feel calm and grateful for the opportunity to let go of the bitterness I’ve felt toward God and Christianity for so long. My understanding of the Divine has risen to a new level because I’ve forgiven God.
I’ve gained understanding of Truth and of multiple Truths.
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I’ve been thinking about adding a monthly pep-talk to my new website. Brainstorming ideas for a fun name for these monthly pep-talks led me to researching about moon phases and its affect on mood. I never really considered the moon might be responsible for some of my mood swings.
I’m going to start keeping a moon diary to track my mood.
If my mood changes with the moon phases, I’ll have some answers to why I feel like I do sometimes.
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Days of agonizing over a new name for my new business have drained me. When the name finally found me, I wondered why it took so long. It was so obvious.
Tonight, I’ve been feeling distracted. Too many things are competing for my attention and I can’t focus. Internal things. The full moon has been a ghost in the Eastern sky all day. Has she been competing for my attention too?
When it was dark, I gave the moon my attention. The chatter in my mind has stopped, and I feel drowsy. Now I can rest.
Thank you, Moon. I owe you another one.
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The Spring Equinox this year will mark my seventh year from the turning point of my spiritual journey. Though my outward acceptance of some things is relatively new, seven years ago was my “ah ha!” moment. I feel like I want to do something special this year because of my newfound self.
When I got married, I was reluctant to change my name. I liked my maiden name, but I was unsure how I would deal with confusion about different last names after we had children. My solution was to hyphenate my last name. Looking back, I’m not sure it made things less complicated. Sometimes, I use my husband’s last name. Sometimes, I use my hyphenated name. Sometimes, I use my maiden name. I often forget which name I’ve used with certain people. When people need to look up my name in their database, I find myself running down the list. “Try this name. No? How about this one? No? Try this one.” What’s my name? Good question. Let me think about it.
I never wanted to change my name when I was first married. And since then, I’ve wanted to change it back. Over the past few years, I’ve been using my maiden name more and more. I think I’m ready to change it back. I think this is the way I want to celebrate the anniversary of the day my spirit reconnected with the Earth.
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I’m trying to stop thinking so much about my spiritual path. Because it’s still new and fun, it’s hard to stop myself from thinking about it constantly. I feel exhausted from all the excitement though and I’m ready for calm.
One way I haven’t been able to stop myself from feeling high strung and frantic is with my art. I want so badly to express my feelings in my jewelry, but the ideas won’t flow. I know I’m probably trying too hard, which leads to frustration, which leads to no usable ideas.
This past week, I’ve been avoiding meditation. I’ve been experimenting with brain wave therapy for a while now, and I think I was overdoing it to the point where I was walking around in a constant state of dreaminess. Now that I feel like my body has “reset” itself, I may try to meditate tomorrow morning. For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten little glimpses of things while in a dreamy state. A lot of them become art, but I wish I knew how to turn more of them into art.
Lately, I feel the need to express myself in a different way. I’m not sure why I haven’t tried something new yet. Part of the reason, I think, is because I’m trying to force my ideas into my jewelry. I had an idea I wanted to try, but it wasn’t jewelry related, so I pushed the idea away. Maybe I need to allow myself to be more playful.
Playfulness. That feels like a lesson I learned a long time ago, but have forgotten. I’ve become very serious. I’ve been pushing myself to create art that is important while forgetting my whole relationship with art is about freedom. Right now, my art and my spirituality are the very much interconnected. I’ve been so serious about both my art and my path. All this trying to find answers. I’ve stopped twirling and laughing in the sunlit meadow and instead have locked myself in a dark cramped cubicle hunched over a filthy pile of forms.
Right around this time last year, I resolved to let go, to relax, to stop trying to control everything. To stop trying so hard to be this or be that. It’s time for me to remember that lesson. I need calm. I need ease. I need to play again. I need to stop trying to be and Just Be.
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I’ve been so busy this week, I haven’t had time to work with my animal totems. Like Hawk, Moose appeared for me again to confirm our relationship. Being busy is good, but I miss my spiritual work. It’s like being newly in love. I want to spend all my spare time exploring my spirit, and I feel frustrated when I can’t. I’m full of the kind of happy energy that makes me want to twirl.
I think I may return to my yoga class next week. I’ve been considering it for a while now, and I pretty much talked myself into it last week. Not only did I enjoy my yoga sessions, but I felt like I had a spiritual connection with someone there. I also think forcing myself to get out and socialize with people would be very beneficial to me. I tend to be a bit antisocial and it’s very easy for me to isolate myself, but I get a little lonely.
Several months ago, I started using a program called Pzizz to help me sleep. I use it for both naps and regular sleeping. I love it. This week, I decided to try listening to music combined with subliminal messages to enhance my creativity and to help me work longer. I’ve had success with both.
I ordered some pillows (zafu and zabuton) to help me meditate more comfortably. I’d also like to set up a dedicated meditation spot in my office. Right now, I have a small space on my desk, but it’s not quite right. Ideally, I’d like to get something resembling a low tv stand with storage for my pillows.
Reading different theories about sleep requirements has me entertaining the idea of sleeping on the floor. I tried it for my 20 minute nap today, and I can see how it could eventually be a good thing. I think I may try taking my naps on the floor to see if I can get used to it before trying to sleep a full night on the floor. I worry more about getting cold than I do about the hardness of the floor.
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There are quite a few animals who have been meaningful to me during different points of my life. I suspect some of them are or have been totems or guides to me. Because they’re animals I have been drawn to, I question whether they have chosen me or I have chosen them. It’s the surprises—the animals I haven’t been drawn to—that feel the most right.
I’ve had some unusual encounters with Hawk in the past several months which have led me to accept Hawk as one of my totems. In the book Animal-Speak, author Ted Andrews explains that the red-tailed hawk may appear “after the kundalini has been activated” or when “you begin to move toward your soul purpose more dynamically.” Looking back to my first encounters with hawks, I remember it was shortly after I first learned about kundalini. The encounters have become more frequent and more up-close since then. Within a couple of days of my spiritual reawakening, Hawk erased my doubt and confirmed our relationship.
Tonight, I decided to try a guided meditation to find my animal totem. Because I’m having trouble trusting my intuition, I was prepared for the meditation to leave me without answers. I expected to encounter Hawk during my journey because I had already accepted him as my totem, and because I believed I would fabricate the whole journey. Instead, I was surprised to discover a second totem—Moose.
Again, because this animal is one which I have never been drawn to, I trust that it has chosen me. Ted Andrews says people with Moose as their totem are often frustrated when they are unable to have the same “ah-ha” experience with their own awakening intuitive abilities as others. People aligned with Moose are born with intuitive abilities, but often dismiss their intuition and psychic capabilities as imagination. Clearly, the part about dismissing my intuition as imagination applies to me. I’m not quite as confident I already have intuitive abilities, but I’m working on it.
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On Friday, I visited a store called Earth Lore. I bought a few nice little trinkets that caught my eye. My favorite is this Spring Goddess figurine. I had no idea I wanted or needed a goddess figurine until I saw her. Then I looked up more information about her when I got home and I found this:
“A symbol of strength and serenity, this Spring Goddess will inspire you to believe in yourself in challenging times, and to shine beyond your wildest dreams in good times.”
I think it’s a good fit for me and I’m inspired to find a special place to display her.
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All of my entries about my rediscovered path of spirituality seem to have a common element. They’re all about trust, or rather, a lack of trust. Intuition, gemstones, animal totems, Akashic records, deity, meditation. I don’t trust myself to do them right. Even if I believed I was doing them right, I don’t trust I would get answers from a place beyond my own imagination. And I don’t trust any answer I might get from my own imagination is truth.
I’ve read several different sources that say it’s natural to feel like I’m making up the answers when I first start practicing meditation. The same sources also say that I will eventually learn to trust my intuition. There’s that damn word again!
Once upon a time, I had faith. If I had a problem, I prayed to God to ease my distress, then I let it go. I trusted it was being handled by someone else. Christianity was easier on some level. But is it faith? Or is it really the willing suspension of disbelief?
This new path feels very hands-on, which works for me. I’m a diy sort of girl, so a diy spiritual path is a good fit. :) But faith? I don’t know if I’m ready to trust like that again.
I suspect it’s my lack of trust—lack of faith—that’s causing my spiritual anxiety.
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