I’m trying to stop thinking so much about my spiritual path. Because it’s still new and fun, it’s hard to stop myself from thinking about it constantly. I feel exhausted from all the excitement though and I’m ready for calm.
One way I haven’t been able to stop myself from feeling high strung and frantic is with my art. I want so badly to express my feelings in my jewelry, but the ideas won’t flow. I know I’m probably trying too hard, which leads to frustration, which leads to no usable ideas.
This past week, I’ve been avoiding meditation. I’ve been experimenting with brain wave therapy for a while now, and I think I was overdoing it to the point where I was walking around in a constant state of dreaminess. Now that I feel like my body has “reset” itself, I may try to meditate tomorrow morning. For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten little glimpses of things while in a dreamy state. A lot of them become art, but I wish I knew how to turn more of them into art.
Lately, I feel the need to express myself in a different way. I’m not sure why I haven’t tried something new yet. Part of the reason, I think, is because I’m trying to force my ideas into my jewelry. I had an idea I wanted to try, but it wasn’t jewelry related, so I pushed the idea away. Maybe I need to allow myself to be more playful.
Playfulness. That feels like a lesson I learned a long time ago, but have forgotten. I’ve become very serious. I’ve been pushing myself to create art that is important while forgetting my whole relationship with art is about freedom. Right now, my art and my spirituality are the very much interconnected. I’ve been so serious about both my art and my path. All this trying to find answers. I’ve stopped twirling and laughing in the sunlit meadow and instead have locked myself in a dark cramped cubicle hunched over a filthy pile of forms.
Right around this time last year, I resolved to let go, to relax, to stop trying to control everything. To stop trying so hard to be this or be that. It’s time for me to remember that lesson. I need calm. I need ease. I need to play again. I need to stop trying to be and Just Be.