The first time I was exposed to the idea of animal totems was during my introductory ceramics class. I was still a computer science major then, and taking the class was a fluke. Or so I thought. That ceramics class was a turning point in my life in many ways.
Our last assignment in the class was to build a mask of our animal totem. I didn’t really understand what an animal totem was, but once I understood, the idea fascinated me. I didn’t explore it further at the time, but the idea stuck with me for a long time. I chose a lion mask, though I’m not sure why. I don’t believe it was one of my animal totems.
In the last several years I’ve been exploring paganism, I’ve studied animal totems a bit. At first, I don’t think I really believed there was anything to them. But I wanted to believe, so I allowed the idea to settle in my mind for a while.
Now I’m closer to believing, though I’m not quite confident enough to declare with certainty which animals are my totems. I’ve found some guided meditations to help me discover my animal totem, but I don’t trust myself to do it right. I worry that any answers I might find through meditating will be fabricated by me, when what I seek is an answer from someplace beyond me.
I’m still having difficulty clearing my mind. I shift continually between elation and hopelessness. It’s been suggested that this could be a sign of my spiritual growth. It’s also crossed my mind that I may have a mental illness. I’m only half-way kidding when I say that.
I feel like I’ve outgrown myself. I’m a snake trying to shed its skin. Elsewhere, I’ve described this event as “the most demanding, stressful, uncomfortable, and frustrating internal struggle I’ve experienced.”
I’ve always thought spiritual growth led to enlightenment. I don’t feel enlightened. I feel confused, insecure, and uncertain. At times, these new ideas I’m exploring resonate with me so strongly I accept them without question. Then I wonder if I’m just a fool buying into an elaborate hoax.
I want to learn to trust my intuition. First, I need to learn to believe I have intuition. Sometimes, I have moments where I know something. They’re never important things. The instrument you played in high school band. The tv will show a program’s specific episode I’m thinking about. An actor whose name I’ve never known suddenly becomes know to me. And even if any of this stuff has to do with intuition, I have no idea how to use it. Besides being trivial, it happens without any help from me.
People who talk about trusting our intuition seem so sure of themselves. They get feelings about things. They can point out when listening to their intuition worked for them, and when ignoring their intuition turned out badly.
I’m looking at the world through a dirty windshield. And I’m out of wiper fluid. The more I use the wipers, the worse the view gets. It’s frustrating and unsafe.
Several months ago, I had an Akashic Record Reading. I wasn’t sure what to expect, and when I was given an exercise to repeat for 21 days, I sorta fizzled out and quit. The reading was very informative, but the oral exercise was a little out of my comfort zone. I had no problems performing it during the week when I was alone at home. Reciting it during the weekends was a different story though. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing I might be overheard by my family.
Now that I’m trying on different ideas, I revisited my 21 day homework assignment and I’ve decided to give it another try. I’m still not sure what to expect, but it couldn’t hurt to try something that could make my life better, right? I figure I just need to get over my insecurities about being overheard. My family is loving and supportive. Why should I feel uncomfortable?
My stones arrived today. I got hematite, malachite, rose quartz, crystal quartz, pyrite, tiger eye, jade, rainbow moonstone, and citrine. As far as I can tell, there aren’t stones which are incompatible. They’ve all come from the Earth, so it makes sense to me that they’d all get along well enough to be near each other.
There seem to be many different ideas about which cleansing method works best, but as you can probably tell from the photo I’ve chosen to place them atop a bed of soil to cleanse them. It was the method that felt most right to me. I haven’t yet learned to sense the energies of the stones, so I’m not sure how to tell when they’ve been cleansed fully. Since I’m eager to work with them, I’ll probably just leave them overnight and see what happens.
I’ve also chosen some stones for my boys. They’ve always been fascinated with gems and minerals too, so I thought it might be fun for them to learn about some of the metaphysical properties of different stones. They couldn’t quite understand the concept of cleaning the stones with dirt, but they’re willing to stay open minded.
I was recently introduced to the concept of trying on different ideas in regards to my spirituality. This way of thinking appeals to me. I’m unsure what I believe about certain aspects of religion, so the idea of trying out different beliefs to see how they fit really seems like it could work for me.
One such idea is that of healing through the use of gems and minerals. I’ve always been fascinated with interesting rocks. (Though who hasn’t?) And I think part of me has always believed or at least wanted to believe rocks are magickal. I ordered a few different tumbled stones online so I could try on this idea. They should arrive in the next couple of days. I’m trying to be patient.
I’ve long wanted a symbol or icon which felt personal and important to me. So far, the symbols I’ve found to represent religion and/or spirituality have not been mine. Nothing has felt right.
During one of my ceramics classes, one of our assignments was to create a personal object using porcelain. We were supposed to take a ball of clay and carve personal and important symbols and ideas into its surface. I immediately felt this assignment was very special, and I longed to create my own spiritual stone. But I was also paralyzed with the fear of being unable to undertake this project. I couldn’t even verbalize the mystique I felt, let alone turn my swirling nebula of abstract ideas into symbols. I managed to avoid the project, but with great disappointment.
Through my recent art, I’ve gotten closer to finding meaningful symbols. My jewelry is moving in a new direction. I’ve also longed to revisit my abandoned porcelain project.
I’m waiting. I’ve spent nearly every day this week sitting for hours at a time while waiting for something to happen. The imminence is very strong. Yesterday especially I felt the need to remain in this spot at my desk in complete silence. There was no music or television to distract me. I ate very little. I ignored the boxes and piles of stuff needing to be put away.
I’m listening for something, though not with my ears. I don’t want to do anything because I’m afraid I’ll miss it, whatever it is. I told Rob I was waiting for an email with the answers to the universe. Before I slept last night, I tried to clear my mind so I could be receptive to whatever it is I’m waiting for. It still hasn’t happened, but I was able to relieve enough of the agitation to get some of the boxes unpacked in my office.
Many Pagan ideas have been part of my personal belief system for as long as I can remember. The one idea which felt sticky to me was the personification of Deity. I grew up thinking of God as a person. When I started questioning this idea, I found the concept of the Christian God didn’t mesh well with what I held to be Truth, so I half-heartedly sought a replacement Deity among the Pagan gods. Unable to find the right fit, I concluded I was not a Pagan, but an Atheist with Pagan tendencies. A Pagatheist?
In the book Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions, authors Joyce and River Higginbotham employ the use of a God Map to help their students gain perspective of their beliefs about Deity. One part of the God Map measures the view of Deity ranging from “transcendent” to “permeating”. The other part measures the range from “concrete” to “abstract”. This last point, that Deity can be abstract, was one I had never considered. Or rather, the concept of an abstract Deity was not one I had considered to fit within the realm of Paganism.
Answering the question of Deity was my last hurdle before being able to fully accept myself as Pagan.
